October 29, 2004
Why You Should Vote For Bush
What I am about to recommend may seem like a shock to you (coming from me), but I ask you to hear me through to the end. Though I would generally not advocate such behavior, desperate times call for desperate measures.
“But Ian,” say some, “Didn’t you already vote for Kerry and mail your absentee ballot weeks ago? Don’t you scoff with disgust at the tatters of traditional conservativism the modern Republican party has left behind, feel shame at the great distrust the rest of the world feels towards America, and believe in the ideals of progress and equality that liberals are known for? And haven’t you been drinking?”
These are all true.
Yet, there are many reasons to vote for Bush this Tuesday:
- You should vote for Bush if you’re tired of all that messy separation of Church and State, and would like to see more law and policy based on his particular brand of Christianity.
- You should vote for Bush if you are frightened and disturbed by the female form, and do not wish to see wicked and sinful dancing anymore.
- You should vote for Bush if you want to wait it out until we find those darn WMDs, or if you think that Iraq got what it deserved after they attacked New York. :rolleyes:
But if none of those are good enough for you, let me offer this in all sincerity: The Electoral College is an antiquated and unnecessary institution that inflates the votes of small states and leads to pork-barrel spending in swing states at the expense of the rest of us. The best thing that could happen in this election is for Bush to win the popular vote and Kerry the election. This could lead to truly bi-partisan support for abolishing the Electoral College (assuming the racists let it through this time). California’s going to Kerry; if you live here, vote Bush.
Or you could take the long view and want to see him continue to fuck up the mess he started.
