July 13, 2003

Now… That Can’t Be Right

Posted in General at 5:28 am by Ian

I’m reading Reader’s Digest (because I’m a weak-minded consumer who is all too willing to read something that segregates all its polysyllabic words to a special section with multiple choices), and there are two things that strike me with a degree of discord. Actually, now that I’ve written this, there are more. I never realized what tripe this magazine was (this month’s cover story: “Jennifer Lopez: Mistakes that made her grow”).

In the Humor In Uniform section, there is a joke/story about a guy who’s missing all his shots at target practice, is asked what he did for a living as a civilian, responds “telephone repairman,” and then proceeds to inspect the gun, finally firing a shot that blows the finger he had positioned over the exit of the barrel clean off. In much pain, he utters the punchline: “Everything seems fine here; the problem must be on the other end.”

Har har har.

Excuse me, but aren’t those supposed to be… real stories? This one is so laughably false as to raise the question of whether they’ve abandoned that policy, or if their editors are just incompetent.

The other part that struck my eye was the first line of something to do with the newest diet, which started off: “Americans gain about two pounds a year.”

This was news to me. All Americans? Is this the national average for adults, or did someone just look at the average lifespan and average weight and do some quick but stupid calculations? No data is given. However, this incredibly useful and informative datum is provided, courtesy of the National Hot Dog And Sausage Council (I’m not just the president; I’m also a member): Every year, Americans eat 7 billion hot dogs between Memorial Day and Labor Day. That certainly puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it.

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2 Comments »

  1. P B said,

    Okay, so we’ve got 7 billion hot dogs (excluding sausages and Kielbasa and such?) in what, three months….that’s 95 days, roughly. The US Census Bureau, which is totally jacked, stated at 9pm EDT on July 13th, that there were 291,498,029 people living in the United States. So that’s 24 hot dogs per person, or roughly a hot dog every 4 days for every person in the United States for every day between Memorial Day and Labour day. Not so much, i guess.

  2. Ian said,

    I’m doing my part.


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