July 7, 2004

Just In Case

Posted in General at 8:09 pm by Ian

I’m filling out lots of forms to get finances in order. One of them is the beneficiary forms for my life insurance and (I think) 401(k), for who should get my money if I die. One of the required fields is “Daytime Phone Number.”

I can totally envision the turn of events that brought about it’s inclusion, too.

“Yes, sir, we’re calling to discuss the dispersal of your assets due to your untimely death…”
“Well, I’m eating dinner right now. Aren’t you guys supposed to call during the daytime?”
“Riiight. See, we didn’t have that. It’s, it’s not on the form.”
“Look, you people have got a lot of gall, calling during dinner time. It’s not enough that I’m dead. I bet you want me to sign up for some new service or something, right?”
“Well, now that you mention it, we’re running a special on–”

Hey, and since I’m on the subject, my other death wishes (not that way) include

  • Cremation.
  • An open bar and Karaoke machine at my memorial. And you better use ’em.
  • Any money left over from that and paying off my outstanding debts to be divided evenly between the ACLU and the EFF.


  1. JT said,

    Any preference on where your ashes will go?

  2. Matt said,

    Anything other than putting them in a Folger’s coffee can would be criminal.

    Ian, who liked bowling.

  3. Ian said,

    I would like my ashes scattered on the Moon!

  4. Lisa said,

    Which side? Dark or light?

    🙄 Oh, like I have to ask.

  5. Liza said,

    What happens if you outlive all of us?

  6. Mama said,

    What about the bagpipes. I thought that was the plan. I want th ebagpipes at mine. Remember.
    What is EEF? Clueless

  7. Ian said,

    There’s a link right there!

  8. Ian said,

    What happens if you outlive all of us?

    I get all your stuff?

  9. Ethan said,

    Why the moon? I mean, wouldn’t you blend in a little too well up there, grey against grey? And it’s so quiet.. what about somewhere happenin’ like Io? Or is it the whole rest in “peace” thing that you’re going for?

  10. Ian said,

    Ethan has shown the error of my ways.

    I will be perfectly happy to have my ashes scattered on any moon, not just Earth’s.

  11. JT said,

    Does it have to be a real moon? If you wanted, you could get yourself scattered on Endor by having someone disperse your remains in the redwood forests of Northern California.

  12. Ian said,

    Artificial sattelites are ok, as long as they are given mythological names.

  13. Ian said,

    Plus it has to be in orbit. California doesn’t cut it.

  14. Sarra said,

    But then the Ewoks might dance on his remains while pearly ghosts smile benevolently.

    And please, Ian does not need large googy mounds of clich all on a nice platter of trite to follow him to the underworld. (This is fundementally different from the Underverse(tm). The underworld is the hypothetical construction of what happens to the “soul” after death. The Underverse(tm) is a bad name made up by a bad screenwriter in a bad script for a bad science fiction movie. And if you haven’t seen Chronicles of Riddick, you won’t know what I’m talking about.)

  15. AB said,

    Ok, so cremation is pretty cool, but consider this scenario:

    Your body is placed in a small boat, surrounded by weapons and riches and doused in oil, and set to sail. As the boat leaves the shore, your grieving compatriots set the ship aflame. Smoke and flire obscure your vessel as you are claimed by the sea. It’s like cremation, except that it’s kickin’ rad. Vikings are sweet. 😎

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