March 22, 2005

We Said

Posted in General at 10:33 pm by Ian

“Ok, so, one Hawaiian, one Geno’s, one Pepperoni with extra cheese, and what else?”
“Barbecue Chicken.”
“Combo.”
“That one with the sun-dried tomatoes.”

“Do we really need four pizzas?”
“Yeah, ’cause if we have extra, we can just take it for lunch tomorrow.”
“What, are you going to ski around all day with pizza in your pockets?”
“Snowboard.”
“Whatever.”

“What about getting two mediums?”
“How much smaller are they.”
“Well, the largest is a 19 inch. The medium is 13 inches.”
“Ok, so that’s… [calculating] one-sixty-nine vs. three-hundred-seventy…”
“No, no. Don’t use d2, use r2.
“Oh. Right.”

“So how much smaller is a medium?”
“A little less than half.”
“And how much does it cost?”
“A little more than half.”

“What if we ask them to split it?”
“What, half barbecue chicken and half sun-dried tomato? That wouldn’t work. They use different sauces.”
“It might work.”
“You know, I don’t really care anymore. Who’s got the phone? You decide. Just call.”

“It’s busy.”

“Ok, whose turn is it?”
“It’s yours.”
“No it isn’t. I put the guy on the farm.”
“Oh, right, then I put one on the road.”
“So it’s Ryan’s turn.”
“Any luck?”
“Still busy.”


“Hi! We’d like to order four pizzas.”
“We’re up at the Condos off of Bridges.”
“Number 7.”
“We don’t. The phone here doesn’t work.”
“We have a bunch of people here. Can we give you the number of one of the other condos, and you can call them?”
“How about a cell phone?”
“This is dumb. Just tell them it’s working [loudly]Oh, Look! I fixed it.”
“She says they won’t deliver here because of the snow. They won’t go up the driveway.”
“What about if one of us goes down to the bottom of the road to pick it up?”
“Nope.”

“Let’s call another place.”
“This is the food delivery service. They deliver for all these restaurants.”
“So… we can’t get anyone to deliver?”
“Nope.”
“What about a taxi? I know! We could pay for the pizza by credit card, and have the taxi driver pick it up and bring it to us.”
“That would be way more expensive.”
“I think you’re underestimating the cost of walking into town through a blizzard.”
“I’m on it!”

“Hi, we’re stuck up at the Condos on Bridges, and we can’t get the delivery service to come out, so we wondered if we could get you to go get us a pizza. I mean, we’d pay for it, you just have to…”
“None at all?”
“Ok.”
“The taxis won’t come up either.”
“At all?”
“What the hell. Does no one in this town have four wheel drive? What kind of business are they running? The first words out of their mouth should be ‘Of course, sir, but there will be a $30 inclement weather charge.'”
“Yeah. Next winter I’m moving up here with a Hummer and charging $50 each way.”
“So… what now?”
“Iunno. We’ve got hot chocolate in the cupboard. And that couch is leather. Looks like.”
“I think it’s just fake leather.”

“Wait. We’ve got buses, right? We paid for the whole weekend. Just get the buses to come up.”
“Do we really want to do that. If the locals won’t drive up the road…”
“Yeah, but buses are heavy. They can get traction on anything.”

…A little while later…

“Ok. The buses are coming up to ferry people in to town.”
“Sweet.”

…A further little while later…

“The bus is stuck.”
“In the snow?”
“Are you serious?”
“I told you that was a bad idea.”
“You know, now that I think about it, the weight doesn’t matter. Sure, friction depends on normal force, which is a function of weight. But that’s only helpful on a flat slippery surface. When you’re trying not to slide down a hill, you have to counteract gravity, which also depends on your weight. It really doesn’t gain you anything.”
“But that only makes sense if friction works like it does in physics class.”
“Yeah. Gravity, too.”
“Why wouldn’t it.”
“Friction’s not well understood. It’s not as simple as all that. For one, friction depends on surface area, and tires flatten out under more weight.”
“Friction doesn’t depend on surface area.”
“Then why do they put big tires on race cars.”
“That’s totally different. Those things melt to the track. I’m talking about sliding friction.”
“Yeah, but ask any mechanical engineer. He’ll tell you that the physicists have it all wrong.”
“So you’re saying that emprically, friction doesn’t work the way we learned?”
“Yeah.”
“I give you exhibit A: A ten ton bus stuck 40 feet outside our door in a snow drift.”
“Touché.”

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There Once was a Silvery Screen…

Posted in General at 10:21 am by Ian

Over on the Straight Dope Message Boards, people have started threads to summarize movies and books in limerick form. I thought I’d post my own contributions to the threads here to exhibit my fantastic cleverness. I, of course, went straight for the classics.

Some terrorists in search of a buck
Run a brand new skyscraper amok.
A cop not from LA
with no shoes saves the day.
Yipee-ka-yay, mutherfuck!

Two dudes were in danger of failin’.
Their future band plans were derailin’.
Flew through time with a phone,
And brought hist’ry back home.
Now all they need’s Eddie Van Halen.

A creepy, big-thighed hireling said:
“Master likes you.” Is he out of his head?
It could hardly be worse
And it carries a curse
The filmmakers are almost all dead
?