March 25, 2005

Open Letters to Those Who Call My Cell Phone

Posted in General at 5:00 pm by Ian

Dear Madam,

I am delighted to hear that your knee is improving, and saddened that your shingles have worsened. However, would this information not better be direct to your doctor’s office? I imagine that he would also be better able to help you with your requests to schedule appointments. Because I did not listen to your entire message, I do not know what other ailments may afflict you. However, since you have chosen to converse via telephone, I will assume that your hearing is operational. You may have noticed in the past that many businesses will answer their phone with a message to the effect that you have reached <place of business>, and that they are sorry to have missed your call, but if you will leave your name and number, they will return your call post haste. It may be an arduous process, but with time and practice, I’m sure you can learn to distinguish this from the spartan “Ian. Message.” that graces my machine.


Dear Santa Barbara Veterinary Group,

As an animal lover, I assure you that I was overjoyed to hear that Trixie made it through her operation and could be picked up. I would pick her up myself, except that her owners would certainly have no end of grief.


Dear Fax Machine,

I am at this point incapable of sending the proper acknowledge signal for the faxes you would like to send. The limitations of human vocal chords are in this respect regrettable. Should I later gain this ability, I’m sure we will become the best of correspondents. However, as advanced as modern medicine has become, it remains exceedingly unlikely that I shall have done so by the time of your next call, in 10 seconds.


Estimado Señor,

Entiendo que busca Jorge, pero no esta. ¿Quizás puede llamar a él?


Dear Blockbuster,

I do not have your movies. I would be delighted to return them if I somehow had the means, but I do not. I have, in fact, never rented from the location you are asking me to call, and have no account there. But since you ask so nicely and repeatedly, I have called them three times now, speaking to Lucy, Dan, and Mike. They were all most polite and accomplished young women and men (respectively), who efficiently listened to my request to not be called for this and informed me that they could not search the database by phone number, nor by those who have overdue items. I pointed out that that was clearly false, but I received little satisfaction.


Hey Jerkoff,
Perhaps your friend enjoys being called at three in the morning by your drunken self, but you didn’t call him. However, I wouldn’t want him to miss out. Kindly let me know his name and address, and I will personally deliver the message to him by airhorn at 6 am.

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1 Comment »

  1. Katie said,

    Oh the amazingness that is your writing. May I add my own personal letter?

    Dear Greg, I’m so glad you would like to sell me, (Bob) your boat. Had I the money to pay for it, you might also enjoy selling me your boat. However, I doubt very much you want to give it to me for free. And don’t you find it a little odd that your buddy Bob’s voice is several octaves higher and says “Hi! This is Katie’s cell.”? Just had to ask. Have a great day Greg, I hope you sell that boat.

    But of course, you have much better ones than I do. The fax machine is my favorite. So wonderful!


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