March 30, 2005

And They Would Have Gotten Away With It…

Posted in General at 5:29 pm by Ian

CNN‘s front page is currently sporting an inane little popup on Daylight Saving Time. The last panel is a set of arguments for and against continuing the practice. One of them is based on cows, so it’s a pretty good read. However, in the For category, they include this gem:

Lessens crime. Longer daylight hours reduce some crimes that are more common in dark hours.

(Scene: The Robber is struggling with a car stereo in the early evening. The Policemen approach.)

Policeman #1: Put your hands up! You are under arrest.
Robber: (startled) What?!
Policeman #2: (putting handcuffs on) We saw you come in over the fence, and it looks like you’re up to no good.
Robber: Inconceivable! (breaks free of Policeman #2 to read his watch. For the sake of exposition, neither policeman reacts with alarm) Look, it’s already seven o’clock. I scoped this lot out last week, and it was so dark, I had to use a flashlight. There’s no way either of you saw me do nothin’.
Policeman #2: (chuckling) Oh, we saw you, alright. Thanks to a little help from DST.
Robber: (curious) DST? What’s that, some kind of drug?
Policeman #1: (fatherly places hand on The Robber’s shoulder) No, son. That stands for Daylight Saving Time. (as he speaks, the words appear superimposed, and he points to them) You see, a long time ago…

(dissolve to a dark field with a cow, and a grumpy looking Farmer and his Plucky Farmboy son. They are wearing old-fashioned clothing. Not the cow, though.)

Farmer: Darn sunlight. I can’t see a thing to milk by. Maybe that’s the udder (reaches under the cow to grab something)
Cow: Moo!
Farmer: Dangit all!
Plucky Farmboy: Pop! What if we just changed the clocks. Then it would be light right now.
Farmer: Couldn’t we just get up a little later in the winter?
Plucky Farmboy: No. Without forcing a nearly nationwide change on everybody, our schedules would just dissolve into chaos for the obvious reason that I’m about to spell out. You see…

(dissolve back to the present day)

Robber: Gosh!
Policeman #1: And that’s how we get more light in the evenings. Sure, almost none of us need to milk cows in the early morning anymore, but it sure helps us catch the poor and uneducated street criminal (the handcuffs snap into place)

(fade to black)

Mysteriously Speaking Animal Mascot: Remember, kids. Don’t do drugs.

(End Scene)

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6 Comments »

  1. Matt said,

    I find it funnier that they say “longer daylight hours.”

    It’s not just shifting an hour. We’re adding more daylight here.

  2. AB said,







    I like “lessens crime”, but my favorite is:

    Cows don’t wear watches. Farmers complain that many animals can’t adjust to the time shift.

    I can see it now:

    (Scene: Barnyard at the crack of dawn. A farmer has come to milk the cows.)
    Cow #1: Christ, is it morning already? Ever since sunup started coming an hour earlier I feel tired all the time.
    Cow #2: An hour earlier? How would you know that? According to cnn.com, cows don’t wear watches, and I don’t see any clocks around here.
    Farmer: Quiet down, you damn cows! Why can’t you just adjust to the time shift like the other animals?

  3. JT said,

    In that instance, I think daylight savings would give proper reason for Napoleon to overthrow good ol’ Farmer Jones. If you can actualy imagine a pig leading a communist rebellion.

  4. Ian said,

    I get the reference but I don’t get this application.

  5. Liza said,

    This reminds me of a bad joke. Two cows are standing in a field. One says “moo.” The other one says “you stole the words right out of my mouth.”

  6. Ian said,

    At least it’s not as bad as some places. Check out What time is it in Indiana.


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