May 31, 2005

Two Tales of Pwnage

Posted in General at 12:48 pm by Ian

The Little Zergling That Could

Playing Starcraft back in the day. I am with Zerg, and my (much better) opponent is Terran. After a few small skirmishes, we each end up sending our armies on circuitous routes to the other’s base, and arrive almost simultaneously. There is no turning back for either of us since the time to return to base would lead to almost certain defeat, so we each forge on, destroying the other’s base.

I calculate my opponent’s return, and send groups to flank. When we meet in the middle, I am practically giving myself carpal tunnel by frantically clicking on many small groups of zerglings to send them on complicated paths and avoid the single file slaughter line that Starcraft pathing algorithms inflicted on the Zerg. My groups converge in perfect unison, and, in the aftermath of the epic battle, I survey my remaing forces:

One Zergling.

With 3 hit points.

Pride Cometh Before 24 Falls

It is in the early days of Super Smash Brothers for the N64, and my best friend Kyle and I have played it relentlessly from the hour of its release. At the local comic/card store, there is an N64 on which playtime can be rented. Several others are in the midst of a game when we arrive, and the victors are quite vocal about their superiority.

“Pretty good,” I say.
“Damn straight!” he says. “We beat everyone at this game.”

I look at Kyle. He has that look in his eye. You know the look.
“We’ll play you. You can even pick the format.”

He chooses a 5 minute time limit, and we watch as both of them choose the Lesser Puffball, while we back the Fox and the Monkey. This will be easier than we thought.

After the five minutes is up, he puts his controller down. “Whatever”, he says, and they walk away without another word. We look at the score.

Us: 17
Them: -24


  1. Adam said,

    While the first is quite awesome, I don’t know that that qualifies as pwnage. The second though… that is amazing.

  2. Ian said,

    I suppose I could separate them out. The first one could be called “The Little Zergling Who Could.”

  3. Adam said,

    Well they do fit together in the category of great moments in gaming. Maybe subtitles? “The little zergling that could” is a very nice title.

  4. Ian said,

    Tentatively re-titled.

  5. Kyle said,

    I seem to recall another time one of the kids at Aces saw me/us playing smash bros while we waited for the tourny to start and said something to the effect of “you don’t know how to play as fox.” I seem to recall in the immediate 1-on-1, 3 or 4 life stock challenge he didn’t kill me once. I remember he was decently good at stringing together a bunch of quick, slightly damaging, somewhat pointless moves, but hadn’t realized it’s far more important to throw someone off the edge and keep them off than it is to inflict damage.

  6. Ian said,

    I miss that game. I still have my N64 ready to hook up, but nobody wants to play anymore 😦

  7. Kyle said,

    You mean you miss the original smash bros? as opposed to the gamecube one? Yeah I haven’t played the old-school version in quite some time, just the newer one.

  8. Tania said,

    Apache/1.3.33 Server at Port 80


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