June 30, 2005

Things That Are Awesome

Posted in General at 4:56 pm by Ian

  • Getting a recruiting bonus on my last paycheck for having successfully convinced some interns to come work here for the summer.
  • Getting a recruiting bonus on this paycheck because it turns out that it’s a per-intern bonus payable when they start.

That is all.

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June 29, 2005

I’m Not Falling For That

Posted in General at 12:01 am by Ian

I just finished watching Night of the Living Dead with two Romero neophytes. After walking Jen and Jason back to their respective cars (you can’t just let them go out there alone), I walked back up to my apartment, my step quickening slightly as I reached the top of the stair.

Sasha squeezed past my leg and was quickly down the stairs. I barely turned around, and she was gone. I went inside to grab the laser pointer and pointed it around the yard. This usually works, but tonight she didn’t make herself seen. So I trudged down the stairs and began calling for her.

“Here. Kitty, kitty.”

She wasn’t in the yard, or in front of the garage. I started toward the back, still calling for her.

“Saaaaashaa.”

I stopped.

The back of the garage is completely black. By my conservative estimate, it could hold about 20 zombies (more if they were missing critical and spacious limbs). And here I am outside, alone, at night, looking for a cat. The only blunder left to me was to somehow try to split up. It’s a miracle I wasn’t dead already.

I abandoned the cat to her undead fate and retreated upstairs to arm myself with a cup of tea and an Orangicle. The Orangicle stick should make a nice weapon once I’m done with it.

June 28, 2005

Lost Liberty Hotel

Posted in General at 10:16 am by Ian

Let us hope that J. Souter will have to eat his words.

(Note: It looks like this is a gimmick, but not an actual hoax, per se. If it becomes otherwise, I’ll make note of it here.)

June 27, 2005

A Certain Point of View

Posted in General at 9:08 am by Ian

What Katie said: “So, my friend Ian is coming down to Claremont for a few days. Would it be alright if he stayed here with me?”

What Joellen heard: “I’m going to have sex in your guest room!”

June 24, 2005

Bracelets Make You Cool

Posted in General at 9:46 am by Ian

This is how I’ll make my first million.

Those silicone bracelets, prompted by the fanatical following of Lance Armstrong, that have since sprung up in every shape and form are a goldmine of a market. Every cause from Breast Cancer to Troop Support has spawned a similar bracelet, and I see trendy sheep every day sporting three or four of them. Since the price has been raised from the original humble $1 to $3 or even $4 for most of those bracelets, we’re talking about $10 per expendable income flush teenager arm.

This is exactly the kind of business I need to get into.

So I set out to find somewhere online that would make me some braclets. My first design was to have a bracelet that looks like a slice out of a $5 bill that says:

I SPENT $5 ON THIS BRACELET SO I COULD BE COOL

Alas, it seems that none of the places I have found will do custom images. And most of them wouldn’t put as many letters as I wanted on the bracelets either. So my revised design is going to say “TRENDY SHEEP” on a white bracelet. I am opening up this business venture to you lucky few on the internet who would like to back me. The first step, of course, is to set up a website at http://www.braceletsmakeyoucool.com. $6.95 in venture capital, anyone?

June 23, 2005

The World Conspires to Turn Me Into A Republican

Posted in General at 9:26 am by Ian

The party of Lincoln, that is.

Supreme Court Rules that cities can use eminent domain to take private property for use in private development. This is so fucking messed up I don’t know what to say.

But mostly I’m just pissed that I agree with Scalia and Rhenquist.

June 21, 2005

I Should Just Walk

Posted in General at 2:03 pm by Ian

For the enlightenment of those trying to sell cars in the general Santa Barbara area:

  • Writing the actual milage in the form xxxK takes less space in the ad than putting “Low Miles!”
  • “Low Miles” should be reserved for cars that have low milage with respect to their age. That 2004 with 30K miles on it: not low.
  • Just for the hell of it, throw in a minor mention about things like the type of transmission, the trim level, and the size of the engine. I know. This may require you to devote less space to comments like “She’s a real great car. I’ll just hate to let her go.” but sometimes buyers are irrationally interested in the actual car to the exclusion of your emotional attachments to it.
  • To the guy who listed the drag racing times of his riced-out Civic in the ad: You are a fool. Anyone who buys an overpriced economy car from you, knowing that you drove it like a freaking maniac, is an even bigger fool.

Thank you.

June 18, 2005

My Quest

Posted in General at 5:49 pm by Ian

Whoever it was who decided that fight scenes in movies should be composed of 20 million cuts lasting an average of 0.04 seconds each from a jerky camera that’s 4 feet too close to the actors must be tracked down and killed. And I’m just the guy to do it.

June 17, 2005

Oh God, This Is Bad

Posted in General at 9:54 am by Ian

Listen to the “O Holy Night” link on this page. You’ll need Realplayer.

It’s bad. So bad. And, yet, hilarious. You just have to wait for it.

June 15, 2005

Posted in Personal at 10:37 pm by Ian

“So, do you want to go check out that new dance club?”
“I can’t. I’m not old enough.”
“Oh.”
<beat>
“How old are you?”
“Eighteen.”
“Ok.”

<resists urge to pump fist in the air>

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