July 19, 2005

Next Up: Drunkfree

Posted in General at 8:58 am by Ian

I’ve been skeptical of anti-smoking aids for a long time. First, I’m skeptical of addiction in general, but beyond that, I doubt that it’s a sufficiently conscious process that, say, chewing some bad-tasting gum or slapping on a patch will really quell the urge. And remember those fake cigarettes that somebody at Jon’s party had? The ones that didn’t actually burn, but had some sort of weird filtered tobacco composite material that was steamed out over time. Those were so stupid and unsatisfying that everybody who’d tried one lit up a real cigarette immediately afterward.

But it does lend itself to some creative marketing.

This is the best product idea ever. Or, I suppose, the best lack of a product idea, ever.

You see, it looks like a cigarette. It feels like a cigarette. They even use REAL cigarette paper and filters. But, they don’t put any tobacco in it. I assume they put something in it. Shredded up financial documents, maybe. Or manufacturing waste. But you can’t light it on fire and smoke it.

Here’s the best part:

One Light-Free Smokeless Cigarette lasts all day. Order Now and take your choice of One Month, Two Month or Three Month Supply! Starting at an amazingly low price of only $24.95. Less than a carton of your favorite brand of tobacco cigarettes!

That’s right. They’re selling fake cigarettes for almost $1 apiece. Plus, they’re full of shit. Anyone who’s ever smoked a cigarette knows that it would get downright nasty (well, nastier) if you kept it in your mouth for most of a day. It’s not like REAL cigarette paper is designed to last very long.



  1. Evan said,

    …I’m skeptical of addiction in general…

    Wow, Tom, what’s next? Dianetics?

  2. Ian said,

    Xenu would be displeased with your lack of clarity. 😉

    I’m not saying that there’s no such thing as physical addiction. I know that withdrawal has real physiologial effects. I’m saying that I don’t believe people who say that they “can’t” quit something. You still make a conscious choice to smoke that cigarette or inject that junk. Yeah, it may suck to be off it at first, but no one said it would be easy.

    I think it’s rare that products like these are actually used as a stepping-stone to sobriety, mostly because people who have decided to quit and have the strength of will to do so don’t need silly half-measures. More often, they’re crutches that are leaned on to failure, allowing for a further retreat into victimhood.

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