December 1, 2005

Noooo Oneeee…

Posted in General at 1:46 pm by Ian

That song from Beauty and the Beast is running through my head. You know, the one where Gaston’s triumphs are extolled by men who have been drinking heavily. Except that I don’t technically know all the words, so I tend to manufacture lyrics out of whole cloth, so to speak. At least, I used to think so, until I ran up into this one, which occurs repeatedly.

…Eats a gallon of Strawberry Quik like Gaston

For whatever reason, possibly the reassertion of some low-level cognative dissonance detector in my brain, this is always where it stops. I mean, come on. I can handle eating five dozen eggs in one sitting (If we go by the standard believability quotient of Paul Newman ± 20%), but Strawberry Quik®? In 19th Century France? At best, they would have had only the Original Recipe (rejected slogans: “Just like Mom used to make” and “Tastes like real breasts!”). Or possibly Ovaltine ::shudder::

I can only explain this sudden and bizarre fixation as the product of an intricate yet devious plan involving subliminal advertising on the part of the Disney Corporation and the Société des Produits Nestlé—and how cool is it to have a company name like that. Imagine, a whole society, just for one company’s products. It’s like if General Motors changed its name to “Académie of Industrial and Automotive Artes.” I bet they’d actually sell some cars with a name like that. But, anyway, it frightens me to think that this message has been dormant for so long. Sleeper marketing.

I can only hope that if I start making moves toward any elected officials, a helpful crooner can be found to help me out.



  1. Matt said,

    No one’s slick as Gaston
    No one’s quick as Gaston
    No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston’s

    Well, almost.

    Is it also sad that I could also provide you with a link to a guy downing 2 dozen hard boiled eggs (and promptly bringing them back up) in the middle of a NYC park?

  2. Matt said,

    Make that “provide you with a link to a video

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: