May 21, 2006
The Most Evil of All Cocktails
I have recently come to a realization: the Tom Collins is the manifestation, in liquid form, of pure evil. Ask any bartender, and he’ll tell you to order something or get the hell out. He’s got a business to run. But, take my word for it, he thinks they’re evil too. An orange, a cherry, throw a few pomagranate seeds in, and you’ve got the recipe for damnation.
And the Collins glass, if not forged per se , was certainly inspired by Satan himself. Only the fires of Hades could mold such a damnable form. Furthermore, the narrow top was obviously designed to limit surface area and, by extension, evaporation in such a furnace.
Yet, they call to people mixing drinks. Like sirens. “Hey,” is what they say, “you could put that drink in an Old Fashioned glass, or a High Ball, but wouldn’t you rather raise this slim cylinder to your lips?”
Resist.
Quaffing that loathsome liquor can only lead to ruin.
To avoid giving in to temptation, I’ve put my Collins glasses away. They will only be brought out for the Pope. And if he asks for a Collins, my worst suspicions about Catholicism will be confirmed.
Ian Ferrel 
Matt said,
May 23, 2006 at 5:45 am
Bad hangover, eh?
The glasses never bug me. I actually use my set of Collins glasses for water and beer all the time. They fit in my little dish washer better than my highballs, so they get the nod.
Ian said,
May 23, 2006 at 8:51 am
Not a hangover. I’m just sick of washing the damnable glasses. You see, I have no dishwasher.
Mama said,
May 26, 2006 at 10:10 pm
Dishwashing does tend to determine many of our functions in life. Since I cook all my own food I am painfully aware of this form of…entertainment? I need the bloody dishes sooner than waiting for a full load in the dishwasher will allow. Bummer!
Matt said,
May 27, 2006 at 4:31 pm
Well, that’s your problem then. My mom got me a counter top dishwasher that plugs into my sink for Christmas two years ago. It’s a little bigger than a microwave, and is perfect for the single guy. One of the best Christmas presents I ever got. Runs about $150.