August 30, 2006

Freecycle and Verse

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:21 pm by Ian

I just posted the following. I’ll update it as I get replies, and we can all critique them.

Offered: Wireless keyboard and Cat scratching post/stand thingy

The wireless keyboard has PS/2 plugs.
There used to be a mouse as well.
Who knows what’s become of that mouse without wires.
For typing, the keyboard’s still swell.

Upon the stand my kitty used to play.
And scratch on carpet soft and rope wound tight.
But now on top another cat will splay
For she’s gone gently into that good night.

Best response in the same meter as was used for each (respectively) gets it.

First response

I too have a mouseless machine
Of the kind that weighs just an ounce
But there’s often a dead one in the hall
Upon whom my cats did pounce

Perhaps if they had their own toy cat house
In which to scamper, scratch, and play and roam
They would be happy not to kill a mouse
And I’d have a vegetarian home

[name removed]
P.S. I don’t need the item for which I didn’t use the same meter

Second Response

For the unhitched keyboard I have a marriage to propose
The guy is a decent computer from the reputable family of Dell
Getting on the same frequency they’ll talk like long-lost friends
Love will be in the air for everyone to tell

Third Response

We have no use for a keyboard for those plugs
Our Mac prefers another type of mouse!
Our keyboard survived the coffee from the mug.
But our home just ain’t a Windoz type of house.


There are no playthings where our kitties want to splay,
They wander thru the house both day and night,
Searching for some carpet where their sharpened claws may play,
and scratchy rope for itchy nose delights!


Jealousy, Projected

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:38 am by Ian

Hey, I just noticed that in the recent comments section over on the right (–>), my name is the only one that’s a hyperlink. And, as we all know (thanks to Google) hyperlinks are a measure of how important you are. People could be moseying along the internets, and they see that and think: “Hey, let’s see what this whole Ian thing’s about.”

But they wouldn’t do that for the rest of you.

August 28, 2006

MySpace. ::Sigh::

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:07 pm by Ian

Yeah, I finally broke down.

It seems like each social network site is worse than the last. But, instead of writing about how incredibly ugly MySpace is, I simply ask that you go friend me so I don’t look like such an internet loser (which is even worse than the normal kind).

August 25, 2006

Memory Killed The Motherboard

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:49 am by Ian

Last night I opened and upgraded my PC
Plugged in old DIMMs to test their access randomly
I pushed the button now there’s nothing on the screen.

Oh oh no!
Did I push too hard?

Oh oh No!
Have static discharge?

Memory killed the motherboard.
Memory killed the motherboard.

On my drives bits won’t be stored.
I can’t repel the Orcish Horde.

I can’t burn to cdr, put the blame on DDR.

August 17, 2006

Just Like Doing My Taxes!

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:08 pm by Ian

“Hey, do you know if there’s any problem with mailing wine to another state?”
“Not if you don’t tell them it’s wine.”

An Upgrade Culture

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:13 am by Ian

There’s a story about an Ohio High School in which 13% of the female students were pregnant last year, and what they plan to do about it.

Aside from the obvious snarks to make about the effectiveness of an “abstinence only” sex ed class, one quote in the article struck me.

“If we had math books from 1988, reading books from 1988, as a parent, I would be furious,” said Patty Rafailedes, a physical education teacher.

Why? Has high school math or english changed so much in the past 18 years that we should expect students who receive the old instructional material to be left behind? Don’t you read Shakespeare and Dickens in high school, anyway? Those are several hundred years old. And what’s the most advanced math you do? Calculus? Also several hundred years old. (Note that the author’s failure to look up exact dates for any of this is not due to laziness, but due to the fact that the author went to a school with ten-year-old books on the internet, and all the archie servers seem to be down at the moment.) Jumping right out on a limb, I’ll claim that the knowledge of how babies get made is at least that old too.

What a waste that we’re constantly replacing perfectly good instructional material with newer prettier picture books, but neglecting music and art programs.

You know, and we’re not teaching kids about condoms. That sucks too.

August 16, 2006

Thou Shalt Not Kill, Motherfucker!

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:10 pm by Ian

From the Onion AV Club’s interview with Samuel L. Jackson.
They asked: “You’re doing the voice of God for an audiobook version of the Bible. How does the voice of God differ from the voice of Samuel L. Jackson?”

Not very much.

August 14, 2006

Fool Me 600,000 Times…

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:23 pm by Ian

I read this story in the New Yorker a few weeks ago about a man who was taken in by a 419 scam to the tune of $600,000. At first, you feel sorry for him. He seems like a guy with good intentions who got swept up into some bad business. And he ends up going to prison for fraud.

But, by the end, it’s pretty clear that this kind of idiocy ought to be criminal. The quote below is from after he’s been convicted.

When I asked Worley what he wished he had done differently, he didn’t answer directly. Instead, he spoke about hoping that the Abachas would get back in touch with him. However, before they could resume work on the multimillion-dollar transfer, he expected them to send the six hundred thousand dollars that he needs for restitution.

“What if they sent you a check?” Barbara demanded. “Would you put it in the bank to see if it cleared again?”


“John!” she said.

“I don’t know,” Worley said finally, sounding defeated. “I have to have time to think about what I would do in that situation.”

And this guy was a pastor. He stole money from his congregation. What a fucking waste.

August 13, 2006

Meritorious Exegesis

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:41 am by Ian

The following is an Amazon review, by Crazy Ed, of the book How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

I personally found the book lacking, in what I like to call “chutzpah”. I gave this book to a friend who needed some help and the “step-by-step guide” provided in this tome is anything but. In many cases he found the steps to be nebulous, ambagious, and even geared towards the derelict reader. The book, as a whole, was definitely not multifarious. I would not extol this literary work.

All I can say is that it’s nice to see that Ed’s thesaurus is getting some use.

August 11, 2006

Conversations on the Bainbridge Island Ferry That Are Only Funny If You’ve Been Up All Night

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:26 pm by Ian

A very intoxicated woman wearing a very short dress is alternately staggering and flailing toward the exit.
“That’s… a little more local color than I expected to see.”
“The world is her gynecologist.”

Upon disembarking from the auto deck.
“Now, remember, we parked on the boat.”

On seeing a police officer walking the rows of cars before boarding.
“Cops out in force this morning.”
“They’re checking for bombs and drugs.”
“You know, I’m not a seasoned drug and or bomb smuggler, but I’m pretty sure that strapping them to the body panels isn’t the best plan.”
“That’s why they have dogs.”
Sits up to look
“They have dogs?!”

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